The next Chapter
I would apologise for the absolutely knackered photo of me on top of a mountain, but it’s (sort of) there for a reason.
Three years ago, I started to have a few problems in life. I’d just finished an intensive research Master’s Degree and wrote a 47,000-word dissertation in six months, which I’ve no plans on repeating. However, I decided to continue with my educational direction as, overall, I wasn’t feeling like I had any quality of life. Bad habits were returning that I’d long overcome, and a genuine lack of meaning in my life was weighing down on me, work was becoming intolerable, and my relations with pretty much everyone started to suffer as I became more and more non-social.
On top of this, I felt it was time to close down my beloved magazine, The Pilgrim, as I really felt it had run its course. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of what The Pilgrim achieved, but I could see that many books were repeating the same message, and so were some of the articles that were being submitted. I really felt uninspired at this time and felt it appropriate to move on and close it down. Sadly, during this time, I was going through what was, essentially, an autistic burnout, which meant I really couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel and spent most of my evenings staring at the wall, not even able to read a book properly. Something I was exceedingly less than happy about. I felt inferior.
Then I remembered a lovely quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Hell no!
Slowly, but surely, I started to manifest a dream of a future me, one that wasn’t stuck in the humdrum of my uninspiring day job, but one where I was serving a purpose, something which I’d lost somewhere, and like all dreams, this found me at just the right moment. However, to get to where I am now has been a very long process where every step forward was always met with some type of conflict, blocking me from being able to discover even what it is that I should be focused on.
At this time, I felt lost and confused and maybe a lot of the decisions I made never fully aligned with any sense of life purpose. It was during these times that I lost complete confidence in myself; I felt that the entire universe was fighting me, that my own voice was lost in a darkness not of my own creation. Each and every step felt like trying to ascend the highest mountain, only to have a landslide push me right back down to the start.
This went on for two years, and I was exhausted!
After having to leave education, and my PhD, due to discrimination I received from my review panel, which comprised of my supervisors, who deemed fit to comment on my poor vocal skills, and the fact that, as an autistic, my train of thought is often unfocused, I didn’t think things could get any worse… but then they did.
After a work contract ended abruptly (an even longer story), I was left with no prospects whatsoever. Although I’m always aware that I have plenty of skills, I had no heart to return to the work I’d been doing for over twenty years. The prospect of returning to that filled me with daily dread, and my whole psyche started to fall apart at the seams. I was aware that I was becoming even more unsocial, and I had no appetite for being in public, and I suppose I let many things slide away from me; I can’t say I cared much at the time. After new contracts came in, I had no appetite or interest in them, the people I was working for, and with were some of the worst people I’d ever worked with, and I wondered if I’d ever felt so low.
Then I remembered my writings from around ten years ago and realised things had been much worse. Anyway, enough of the moaning.
I can’t remember what day it was, but it was during March, after I’d recently enjoyed a trip to Lisbon, but even there, things were still weighing on me. I was glad for the escape, even though I had no idea when the next payday would be. I decided to open a TikTok account as someone had told me I could get a cheap Crimpit (it’s a wrap sealer; and they sent the wrong size, for those who are interested)), and what with them being all the rage for about 12 minutes, I just had to have one!
Crimpits aside, I happened upon a random Tarot reader who was there filling her audience up with delusions of impending happiness by the end of the day and other nonsense. I’ve always had an interest in Tarot, as I have a healthy interest in the occult and Victorian Spiritualism, but this inane rambling about how God and the Angels have preplanned my destiny did do one good thing. It got me thinking again.
I had what can only be described as a kind of epiphany that took me on my own journey, which involved not only looking at new creative projects, support projects and new direction in a possible future career. I decided to look at Counselling again, which I’d looked at originally twenty-five years ago. It just seemed the right time. The right time to reinvest in me and focus on what’s important to me, instead of living a life that people expect of me.
I only enrolled for an Introduction course, as I didn’t want to jump in head first, but with each class I found my confidence returning (slowly), I found I actually enjoyed talking with people again and for the first time in a long time, I felt ok about my future, although I still have no idea what’s next. I guess that’s just a part of the big adventure! Don’t get me wrong, these are tiny steps, but steps which are right now in the right direction.
Now, I’ve always been vocal about my autism and misdiagnosed mental health issues, which inevitably made my health even worse than it was to begin with, and with one step came another, and things just started slotting in that place. That mountain I was climbing became easier with each step because I felt like I was finally on the right path. Now, I’m very aware that life isn’t that easy, and I still get knocked back, and I always will, but I’ve come to firmly believe that finding your own path up that mountain will achieve the miracle in you, that you will be your own guide up that mountain, and with each step you can reach that summit!
So, go climb that damn mountain!
